Entry: My World Just Came To A Tragic Halt Mar 11, 2004

Do I ever blog deeply about my life.. not on realists terms I don't,
I meander through the edges and fringes of my world, 
I talk in some about my special needs child and
I have given accounts of my horriblest year to date 2003...
I gave an account of what that year mean't to me
and why I was looking so forward to 2004...
Tonight I got a very unexpected phone call from Australia,
for those of you who don't know or didn't realise "I am an Aussie",
However, I reside in The United States and have done for the past 6 years!
A phone call from Australia at 10:15pm on any night for me "means" somethings going on...
My family ALWAYS call my daytime when they call as its considerably cheaper...
Being its their night time and rates at night are less.. even internationally..
I guess its like the Usa, It simply depends on the plan you have...
I answered the phone thinking it was Friday or maybe the Husband calling from softball
to let me know he was on his way home, but no.. Its was "pip pip" Australia Calling..
I hear this voice that makes me feel so loved and always has,
that deep gruff ocker sound of a man who I have adored my whole life..
G'day Diddles" it says,
tears well up in my eyes, its been 8 years since not only have
I have seen this man, but hugged him as well...
and the meer sound of his voice tugs at my heart strings terribly..
he has a quiver to his voice and he sounds so Australian at times, that
he even appears backwards, "not the full quid"...
but this man is so kind, so gentle, so wise,
In fact hes so wise, 
he makes the wise seem more stupid everytime we talk...
I could never fool this man with my thoughts,
my voice, my eyes, my life, my everything...
hes read my every move, knows my every step,
and has danced long before i could even walk that tall..
I walk in his footsteps i am almost his clone,
and yet i have a spirit unlike his, i have a fire deep within,
a fiesty little sprite whos viscious tongue,
can cut glass in half and make it look like it was butter.
This man has not got that  little sprite,
its the only thing he never passed forward into the world..
He's a big tall burly man with a wonderful sense of humor,
a loving heart, eyes that are bluer then any ocean or sky and filled with nothing but fun..
you can see hes a prankster and a joker, but you can also see his warmth and kindness,
His face, laugh and large as life personality and amazing positive attitude
fill up a room so full at times others are simply forgotten...
He adores his wife more then his own life
and he has the most genuine soul of anyone human being I know..
No-one could ever walk in his footsteps nor even come close to wearing his shoes...
This man is My Dad ....hes everything i described and more but to me... 
hes Just "my daddy"
So we swap hellos, i feel this evil pit in my stomache...
"theres got to be something wrong, no-one from home calls this late..... "ever"...
 he starts crying, My dad crying on a phone thousands of miles away,
my heart wrenches, I so want to hug him, hes my dad and hes crying on a phone to me...
its heartbreaking... to me that this man who is so strong, so tall, so proud, so amazing can be this terrified and cry like theres no tomorrow....
my dads voices dips into an eerily quiet whisper, and he speaks every so slowly but clearly between sobs,
Dee I hate to call you like this but theres no other way,
Your mums not good, things got bad yesterday, for her, i think shes going to die,
then he looses it, his sobs become heart wrenching gasps for breath,
as he now is crying so hard he cannot even hold the phone in his hand...
I hear muffled noises as I am left, holding my end of the line....mouth wide open, tears streaming down my cheeks, I am mortified, what the hell is going on.... 
I here a voice... one shaking, but a sweet voice, god she sounds like me, we both agree hearing the other talk is like an echo of ourselves, many a time i have fooled my dad and mums friends with just the meer words "hello Holmes residence"....on the end of a phone..
She is amazing talented, artistic, kind, adoring, loving to every creature god put on this earth,
she finds good in everyone, and shes never said a harsh word
about anyone in all the years I have known and loved her...
However She has that fiesty sprite and when shes mad,
oh boy does her tongue waggle,
I have been on the end of that sprite tongue and its a very unpleasant experience...
but i've rarely seen her use it and it takes ever so much for her
to raise that sprite form her inner depths and let it loose upon us...,
i know i have that same little fiesty one is living within me,
Shes also my clone.. I am so much of what she is and yet i am so much more of my father,
but I am definantly their child in every sense of the word..
She speaks fast< Dee its mum... hang on a second please..
I hear her consoling my father telling him to be positive, that shes going to outlive his bloody old arse, to go and wash his face and stop crying,
"its upsetting the dogs ya silly old thing"... she says
The whole time i hear them  I am bawling, tears are so fast and thick I no longer have visions, i now sit on the floor in my kitchen crying,  this is a bad dream it has to be...
my dad hoarsly croaks I love you to my mum and leaves the room..
I here a door close then I hear my mothers voice again..
Dee are you there...
I gasp a small yes...
She then goes into detail how she was having rib pain
and decided to go the doctor who sent her to a bone specialist and oncologist...
At worst she thought because it was irritating her hip as well that she had a sciatic issue
or maybe it was just simply old age arthritis...My parents are both in their Mid 50's...
She continued with so here i was thinking "nothing" of it, I had no idea it was going to be bad, nor did your father, that he dropped me off at the doctors and left to go to the bakery for some soy bread and was going to then come back and get me.
I gave him a list of other things he could have if he wanted and sent him on his way..
I sat in the specialists office as he read out the results of the tests i had done
and i literally fell too the floor...
Your father got there shortly afterward and came in and they told him the news too..
He started crying imediately i've never seen him look so terrified "NEVER"
My mother has battled breast cancer in 2002/2003 she was given the all clear in her last 2 testing sessions the cancer had not reappeared anywhere and all seemed fine..
but all that had now gone to this shithole, her 7 surgeries, losing both breasts, 3 times in a coma due to treatments, her lymphatic system completely removed, all the chemotherapy,  radiation therapy, having nothing left to take away but a huge gutted out hole for a chest, all the after care drugs and surgeries, and she was back there again but this time it was different..
The cancer was in 4 places,
Her Bones!
She now has Bone cancer, and its non reversible this is her death sentence,
its in her leg, her hip her ribs and her spine...
They have yet to give an offical time of life expectancy,
legally they cant give anything accurate, its all estimations..
she wants to know how long she has, she needs to plan whats left of her life... 
Tuesday she flies back off to the leading cancer treatment center in Australia
where she will stay for many months to come,
They will do ct's and Mri's of her whole body and all her organs
and find out if anywhere else has been affected,
Marrow treatment may be an option and it may prolong life expectancy,
but bone cancer is one of the least treatable of cancers..
the meer fact its in her spine, is the "scariest" of all
and the one they are most concerened with, 
she was told its usually a good indication its in the brain,
the cells are not just in bones and  visible but are still multiplying in the areas they have found... already, in less then 3 days the cancer on her leg bone grew almost 1.5 cms..
I sit here tonight after hanging up from that phone-call my heart is hollow, my life was just shattered, I have no real words of how i feel.. i am stuck in America my mother thousands of miles away with a huge sign that screams your going to die over her head, and cant even function..
I feel torn between the two worlds i live in... here with my sons needs, my husbands needs....
and my world at home with my mother, father and family..
If I leave I can't come back, if I go I cannot take my child...
I am one of those still waiting for legal residency in The usa
and have been for five years,
I'm stuck in the beaureaucratic paper world of the INS and Government..
damned if i do damned if i don't...
if I leave I give up my status and I cannot re-enter this country for a minimum of 3 years..
if i do I cannot take my US citizen son nor husband without visa's
If we go we cant return for at least 3 years...
then how do we survive, no job no home no nothing to go too In Australia,
He cant work there and I haven't worked in over 5 years now,
what kind of job would i even be able to hold down in Australia,
especially where economic growth is as bad as it is here...
Family could and would help but for 3 years thats not feasible in anyones eyes,
nor would I ever dream of asking...
My sons medical expenses are enough to give anyone financial problems...
My sons special needs themselves...what becomes of his life...?
My husbands father also is going through cancer treatment here,
theres no way my husband will leave his family when we both face  the same horrors
and nor would I ask... the dilemma in itself is mindboggling..
the pain i feel right now is so numb i just cannot even begin to fathom
the whole situation at hand..
My dad says once they "know" they'll work on coming here when shes doing good..
i cried and my heart just dropped..
my mind screamed..."who does good with death related cancer.. really.. who does"
 But I was positive and said yeah we can make her go to disney and be stupid with goofy ..
he snickered...deep down i knew it was only to save face he did that.. I've never heard my dad so traumatised nor terrified, I said to my husband when she goes,
dad won't last a year he will, "will" himself to die with her..
Hes so in love with my mum they really are one,
and without her on this earth he won't have a reason to be here...
I'm sorry this blog is so melancholy and it makes my head spin,
i doubt i have ever blogged this deeply about myself, but i had too get it out,
i had ot release something, my worlds just collided with my life
and i am lost and have nowhere to turn...nor to hide..
if you pray, please pray that god delivers my family some miracle
and keeps my mum around for a few more years,
shes one of his chosen, I know and her soul is pure as snow on the whitest of days,
shes very good people, and if he does take her before we are ready to let go,
Pray it be painless and swift, I don;t want my mum to suffer, she deserves so much more...
I look at my own blog and others and their petty complaints,
bullshit and mellodrama's and i feel shocked, shocked I am caught up in all this crap,
my reality hit home tonight and feel sickened by people including myself..
We are truly a shallow race of life, even worms have more respect for their own kind...

I sign off for now and again I ask, no matter what your spiritual beliefs
whether christian or other, please include my mum in your worlds
and pray for her in your own special way...

Love Ya........................................Mean It


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March 13, 2004   04:03 AM PST
*hugs* to you and your beloved, Dee.

my tender thoughts, Dee.. Elysium's right : not much we can say..

only we think of you in such moments.

big, huge, enormous *hugs* from the froggy, dear <3
March 13, 2004   12:30 AM PST
*hugs* you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers
March 12, 2004   07:51 PM PST
There isnt much one can say to another in such time of pain. But i want you to know your strength inspires me! At times this life seems so unfair. Your in my thoughts...hang in there!


March 12, 2004   03:15 PM PST
Your family is in my prayers. god bless all of you. I am so sorry. If you ever need to talk.....Keep your head up and hang on.
March 12, 2004   02:08 PM PST
I don't think I've ever read anything so beautiful, and yet so heart-wrenching in all my life. The way you described your parents was...I don't even have the words. It was unimaginable. Your parents sound as if they are on a plain that no one on this earth can ever hope to be. I, myself, don't pray. I never have, and I'm not religious. But I will for them. Your parents, yourself, your son, and your husband will all be in my thoughts. May you all find the strength to get through it all. As I said, you will be in my prayers.
March 12, 2004   11:07 AM PST
Oh Dee I am so sorry to hear about this! I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers! *hugs*
March 12, 2004   08:26 AM PST
Sweetie, I posted a prayer request on my site..also adding you to my daily prayers.
Angel Tears
March 12, 2004   02:20 AM PST
Though I have not known you for very long, you seem and ARE such a sweet, strong, wonderful person. My heart aches for you and tears streamed down my face as I felt the pain in the words you wrote. I'm so sorry that you are going thru this, you and your family do not deserve. My heart goes out to you and your family, and from this day on your Mom, you and your family are in my heart and prayers. I will pray that some mircale will be blessed upon your family to prevent the hurt, pain and loss of a loved one.
Please, don't hesitate to contact me if you need to talk, I'll listen for as long as you need me to.
March 11, 2004   11:37 PM PST
Keeping your mother and father, you and your family in my thoughts and prayers....many hugs and much love, Dee xoxox
March 11, 2004   09:47 PM PST
Dee ...
No words can ever express my deepest sympathy for you and your family. You are one of the kindest people I have met and my heart goes out to you. Your entry literally left me in tears and I hope and I pray that everything turns out for the best. I will include you and your family in my prayers. If ever you need anyone to talk to or turn to, please don't hesitate to contact me. I may not have much to offer, but love and true friendship. I think you're an amazing person with a beautiful heart and to be stuck in the situation you're in is heart breaking. I am here for you always, whenever you need me. Please take care and stay strong and leave it in God's hands. Have faith! As the famous saying goes, "if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it". You're in my thoughts and prayers! Extra big Hugzzzz xoxox Love ya Sweetie! xoxox
March 11, 2004   06:11 PM PST
I'm shocked. I don't have the right words to say what I want to say, to express this.

I love you, and will keep you and your family in my prayers from this day forth.

Please, take care of yourself. *hugs* If you ever need anything, you know where to find me. I love you. xoxo
March 11, 2004   02:51 PM PST
I am so sorry. Please know that there are people out here who are sending prayers on your mother's behalf. You are in more of a predicament than I could ever imagine. I am in awe of your strength and courage right now. I wish you peace.
New Yawk Mom
March 11, 2004   02:36 PM PST
You and your family are in my prayers.
March 11, 2004   01:39 PM PST
Dee, having been through an iteration of what you are experiencing now, on a much more miniscule scale & less complicated, though quite monumental & devastating to my own personal universe, I ache for you & wish for you a hopeful turn unseen around the corner. Toughts & prayers & hope be with you.
March 11, 2004   12:45 PM PST
oh honey, i am so sorry you have to be so far from home... our immigration laws suck!!!.... maybe through the red cross they can make a special request to immigration so you can visit your mom? I wish I could offer comforting words but at a time like this nothing makes sense.....
March 11, 2004   12:11 PM PST
You don't know me but I came here via FallenDarkness' blog and I just wanted to send my best wishes and hopes your way. Good luck with everything, I can tell by your writing that you have a strong heart and it will hold you together.
March 11, 2004   10:35 AM PST
You don't know me Dee, but I saw this blog, and I want to wish you and your family the best. I am so sorry.
March 11, 2004   10:24 AM PST
Dee, you and your family will be in my thoughts.
March 11, 2004   08:26 AM PST
I so absolutely HATE when bad things happen to good people. I have no words..I can only say, "I'm here for you"
Friday's Child
March 11, 2004   08:03 AM PST
Dee, ... my heart more than aches but breaks for you. You know I feel what's in your heart. There are really no words, no way to express it.

Our conversation yesterday seems an eerie precursor to this news.

I know there is little I can do ... but Dee if there is anything and you know I do mean ANYTHING I can do, don't hesitate to call on me. You are my dearest friend and I love you with all my soul possesses ... I offer all that I am and all that I have to you. If it is within my power to give it to you, it is yours already.

As far as prayer goes ... as hard as this comes to me, as soon as I'm done posting this, I will swallow every bit of resistance I have, hit my knees and pray for you and your family.

I love you and I'm here you for, sweetheart ... in any way I can be, I'm here for you.
March 11, 2004   07:26 AM PST
Praying for miracles...
March 11, 2004   04:55 AM PST
My dearest Dee,

My heart aches and breaks to hear this. Like I've said, I wish I can take away your pain, as well as other people's pain away. I know lots have happenned in Blogdrive and they weren't pretty but I admire your strenght in dealing with all these craps.

Fuck those who hated you, they mean nothing to us. The reason they hate you is because they're jealous. And oh, no life. You know who loves you and only that matters.

I love you hon, you are already in my daily prayers and thoughts and will include your loved ones. Thinking of you and do take care love. {{{HUGS}}}

Your one and only,
March 11, 2004   02:07 AM PST
You and your family will be in my thoughts.
March 11, 2004   01:00 AM PST
You, your mother, and your family are in my prayers, Dee.
March 11, 2004   12:51 AM PST
(((hugs)))) I'll add you and your family to my prayers tonight dear.
March 11, 2004   12:36 AM PST
You're in my thoughts love. I'll be sending my prayers, such as they are, for you all.

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